Going all in

starting a blog

I'm not going to lie. Starting this blog has been one scary ride. 

How is it that new beginnings are able to cause equal parts fear and equal parts exhilaration in one tiny person? 

My desire to make a blog and a place for me to create has been on my mind for many moons. I have always felt that I was meant to live a creative life. Although my life has led me down a very different path, I have always had a craving for creativity deep in my soul. And guess what? Instead of embracing creativity and discovering where it could take me, I pushed it away. I pushed it away so hard that the word was barely in my vocabulary anymore. Looking back, I realize that it was actually fear at its finest that was really doing all the hard labour. 

Fear of what you may ask? Everything. Fear of failure. Fear that nobody will like my work. Fear of being ridiculed. Fear of being my true self. Fear that people will see my true self and not like it. Fear of rejection. Fear of "not making it". Fear of having no readers. Fear that my writing will not being good enough. Fear of what I may discover about myself. The list goes on.

Creativity is vulnerability. Simply put, being creative is a one-way ticket into the depths of your soul. Naturally, running in the other direction seems instinctual. However, there is always that one moment. The one right before you let the fear take over, right before you decide to "run".  It seeps into your heart ever so gently whispers: "so what?" So what if you fail, darling? So what if people see the real you? So what if you get to meet the beautiful person you already are? So what? 

That moment is always there. Every decision we make has a duality to it. One side says "just do it", and the other side says "run for your life". I would say that the decisions I have made in my life have mostly been driven by fear. But today, I choose to live. Today, I choose to create. Today, I choose to listen to that moment. The truth is, I don't have readers - I'm new to this! "Failure" is  a possibility, especially in the blogging world. I could be making a big mistake, or the best decision of my life. I could get ridiculed. I could be "not good enough". I could be all those things the fear has instilled within me. When I started making this blog a reality, I asked myself...who am I doing this for? The fears I have - those only exist because there is the belief that I have to create for other people. That I can only be happy if what I create is "successful" by other people's standards. But that is far from true. I want to create for me. I want to write for myself. I want to write to connect to the truth that I know is already within me. 

As I sit here, cuddled in my blanket, with my hot chocolate and my little fur-baby curled up next to me, I know that this is where I want to be. Right here, writing for me. So today, my dear heart, I am going all in. I don't know where this will take me, if it even takes me anywhere. All I know is that I am going all in. Join me?

“The universe buries strange jewels deep within us all, and then stands back to see if we can find them.”
— Elizabeth Gilbert, Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear
She's going all in too.

She's going all in too.