Home is where you are
Home. A single word. A whole world.
I've always thought of home as a place. Each of us has some place we call home. A physical place we live in. A place we go to at the end of each day. There is, however, another "home" we live in. A home which often does not get the same admiration as our places of residence do.
You are your home. You. In all your messy glory.
Your heart, your thoughts, your feelings, your body. They are your home. Your home.
I've always struggled with the idea of permanence. The idea that something could stay the way it is for an infinite amount time. I have made many decisions in my life thinking that permanence is the only outcome of my decisions. That I better make the "right" decision, because I will be stuck with that decision. Indefinitely. This mindset has held me back, to say the least.
When I moved into my own place (the first time I had truly lived completely alone - no parents, no sister, no roommates, no puppy), I was beyond nervous. I didn't commit to hanging a single photo for many many months, simply because I couldn't decide what I wanted to put up. Truth is, I didn't know how to take up my own space. I realize now that I was just afraid of putting my roots down. Out of fear of permanence. What if I settled down and things changed? What would I do? Kinda silly, now that I think about it. But sometimes when you live in a state of constant change, whether it's internally or externally, you start to expect that you will always have to be fully prepared for change. When in reality, you can never be fully prepared for anything.
Life itself is impermanent. We are surrounded by change. Surrounded by endings. Beginnings. Transitions. The person you are today is different than who you were a few years ago. And same thing goes for who you will be next year. There will always be something in your life that is not fully "settled".
So what can we do about this? If we are surrounded by things that are only here for a short time - what do we do to feel settled? To feel at home? My answer to that is: be where you are.
Be present with what you are doing. Whether it is reading this post right now, or moving into a new home by yourself. Take up space. Don't be afraid to put some roots down, while still accepting that things can change. Life happens in the present moment. Don't wait for the "best time" to do something. Don't wait until you are sure you know what you want your apartment to look like before you hang that picture up. Just hang it up. And change your mind. And change it again and again and again.
You can always come home to yourself. Build your home from the inside out. Work on your home. Give it love. Be kind to it. When you feel lost, listen to your heart. In this world of impermanence, be your own rock. You are eternal. And there's no changing that.
Home is where you are. If you are here, then home is here.