I'm lying in my bed back home in Calgary, snuggled into my duvet. You know that type of duvet right? The one that makes you sigh the minute you lie down? The one that surrounds you and envelopes you in an embrace that you never want to detach from? Yea, that's the one.
It's 3 pm, and I have done nothing today except indulge in reality TV, eat all sorts of yummy foods and cuddle the pup. And there is no place I would rather be. In fact, I have been dreaming about this moment for months. All that matters is what my heart desires. And this is everything that it desires right now.
Since April, it has felt like I had to put myself second. Everything else has taken precedence over my self-care, and good gosh that is just so saddening. It hurts me just to write that. Because I let that happen.
I mean, I didn't have much of a choice, really. School ended, exams were looming over my head, studying took over, and life in other aspects had to be put on hold. But I sacrificed my well-being in a way that I never have before. And that's odd coming from someone whose lifestyle is built around health and whose goal is optimizing wellness for others. But it is real, and it is raw and it is the truth. And there is no way I am going to hide that.
I have never felt so disconnected from myself as I do now. There are many reasons why I feel this way, which I will save for a future post. Right now, all I want is to be me. I am not afraid to say that at this moment, I am not sure what that means. I have been living outside of myself for the last few months (perhaps even longer than that), but that is all about to change. I'm turning inward again. And I'm finding myself again.
It's the littlest of things that mean the most to me right now. Not having anywhere to be. Listening to music while sitting in bed, writing. The fact that this tiny dog next to me has the loudest (and cutest) snores I have ever heard. How my sister and I are in our own rooms, yet we are still laughing and talking to each other across the hall. How nothing feels like a waste right now and how there is no pressure whatsoever to do or be anything but me.
So today - being me means I shall indulge in all the things that my little heart desires. And I shall love every minute of it. Join me?